So, despite outward appearances, I've been a basket case recently, resulting in a lack of posts (is that too many commas?). Here's the story:
To start off, I had a GREAT weekend. All of my family was in town and we had such a good time together! We had our eggs checked out early Saturday morning and an IUI was scheduled for Monday morning. My family got to enjoy me squirm while Jay administered the shot Saturday night. Amidst the pouring rain we ventured out Saturday night and enjoyed dinner at Taco Mac. Taco Mac isn't my favorite for food but the masters was on and we wanted to go out to eat so we settled. I spent most of the day Saturday preparing for my parent's going away party (please come! You are all invited!) I met with the rental company and picked out linens and designed a "lighting concept" that involves stringing lots of clear bulbs & lanterns over the driveway to create our dance floor. The DJ is booked and people are starting to RSVP. Cannot wait!
Sunday was our normal church day. We enjoyed a great service and breakfast at IHop with our sweet friends John, Ruthie, and their adorable 2 year old Avery. After lunch we hung out for a bit and then prepared for my mom's preschool going away party. Close to 200 kids and parents came to say their goodbyes! Several students that I teach or have taught had my mom as their preschool teacher and it was fun to see them there! Each family made a scrapbook page and they are adorable! She is sooo loved by her preschool families. They are really going to miss her. Sunday night was made even better by a family dinner at Thai Taste. Chicken pad thai = YUM!
Monday. Jay and I went in to for the IUI. We had two million sperm post-wash this time. Jay was super excited about his 400% increase. Me, not so much. Is two million better than 500,00? Yes. Is two million close to being normal. No. Low count is considered below 20 million. The average is 60 million. IUI chance of success with 2 million... 2% yup, 2% folks. The doctor thought a second IUI on Tuesday would be our best bet.
Tuesday. IUI post-wash count was 700,000. Yikes. The doctor told Jay that the meds he was on won't being to work for about 2.5 months. In 2.5 months we'll do another semen analysis and see if the numbers went any higher. If they did, we would proceed with additional IUIs if not, we'd move on to IVF. I was ok with this when we left the office. After reading into it more, studies show that chances of pregnancy after a male cycle of clomid do not increase very much. Not great news to hear. It's very very unlikely that we will get pregnant from this series of IUIs.
Tuesday afternoon. Met with the financial counselor about IVF. It's really really expensive. I'm trying to figure out how we are going to pay for it and then pay for the child that we will hopefully be blessed with after it is over. I think I'm going to start babysitting or working over the summer to help pay for these costs. Any suggestions with well paying summer jobs?
How am I feeling?
Completely deflated. Last night and today have been extremely hard. Hard like I cried all the way to school and couldn't stop once I got here. Thankfully my wonderful friend Kathryn covered my classes this morning while I took some time to compose myself. This is really really hard. I'm questioning everything! Did God not want us to have children? Was this not part of His plan? This is devastating to me as all I've every REALLY wanted to be was a mom. Why is it sooo hard? It's been really tough on our relationship. I want to look up everything the doctor says to make sure I know what is going on and that I agree with it. We are allowed to make a lot of decisions on our own and I want to be educated. Jay trusts me and goes with whatever I say. I love that he trusts me but I want him to learn as much about this as possible so we can both make educated and informed decisions.
I also contacted a psychologist that specializes in treating patients with infertility. Hopefully we can get in to talk with her and figure out how to manage this part of our lives a little better as we navigate through some really tough decisions. Speaking of tough decisions, at my meeting with the financial counselor, she explained there are three "programs" to choose from. The first program is that you pay for each procedure separately. The second program gives you a package of 4 (two fresh, two frozen) cycles for $7,000 additional dollars than one individual treatment, and the third program give you a package of 6 (3 fresh, 3 frozen) cycles for $11,000 additional dollars than one individual treatment. Problem is, lets say you get pregnant on your first cycle but you purchased the package of 6, you just lost $11,000. I mean as if an infertile person doesn't have enough decisions to make!
I know, you may be thinking, "why are you being so pessimistic?". I just don't want to get hurt anymore. I want to plan for the worst and hope for the best but not hope too much because when it doesn't happen, it just really sucks. It's hard to talk about it out loud without crying. It's hard because, to my knowledge, none of my close friends have ever experienced this. It's hard not to bore/annoy people with constant infertility talk (I'm sorry it is just sooo consuming right now!) My current therapist (who I see for help dealing with ADHD since I've had to be off my meds) tells me to refocus my thoughts on positive things going on right now and I promise I'm trying but that too is really hard. We are going to take a break from all fertility related things until Jay's next semen analysis in June. Here is my list of pros about waiting until June.
1. I can get back on my adderall- hopefully get focused and be better at organization and doing things around the house and not have to see my therapist anymore!
2. I can lose the weight that I've put on since we started trying to get pregnant (30 pounds...)
3. I can enjoy alcohol over the summer (although we'll be too broke to buy any!) :)
4. If Jay's count goes up and we are able to get pregnant on our own, I'll have lots of money saved to go on vacay or put away in my child's college fund!
I'm sorry this post is so negative but I'm trying to be honest and real when I'm discussing what we are going through. Maybe I'm sharing too much. Its tough to navigate through this whole process. Prayers and kind words are definitely welcomed and greatly appreciated.
Thanks!
Anni
