Yummy Gourmet Grilled Cheese

The weather in Charlotte is GROSS! Days and days of rain and chilly temperatures. Yesterday on my planning period, I ran to the teeter to grab the ingredients for the best yucky weather dinner. Grilled cheese and tomato soup with a twist!

What you need:

Crusty Italian bread from the bakery. If its not sliced, get them to slice it for you

Kraft BIG sliced cheese. I use 2% reduced fat sharp cheddar

Vine ripened tomatoes

Oscar Meyer Applewood Smoked Bacon. Yum.

Fry up the bacon. Butter up the bread. Put it all together on the panini press and yum, the best grilled cheese!

For the soup, I was looking for a great homemade tomato basil recipe and didn't find one on my iPhone while strolling through the grocery store so I opted for Progresso Tomato Basil and Chunky tomato. I bought two cans of each and combined them all in a big pot. It was not enough for 5 people! So buy lots because it is good! And if you have a great tomato basil soup please let me know. I've got my handy dandy immersion blender and can't wait to use it!

REACH has redeemed. CD3

So after a long exhausting discussion with my husband and mother regarding what I should do about the dilemma I wrote about in my last post, I decided to call my doctor and set up a meeting for Jay and I to talk to him about our options. I left a message last night and expected to hear back sometime today.

Jay wasn't able to go to my CD3 appointment today so my mom accompanied me. It was sort of cool to share with her this part of our world; the waiting for bloodwork, meeting with the doctor, the ultrasound, the counting of the eggs (7 less than 5 on the right and 8 less than 10 on the left. I'm an egg machine!). I was surprised when we went back and the nurse told us that we'd be meeting with Dr. Wing this morning. I asked him about IVF and his opinion. Since our insurance covers IUI, he wants us to try the IUI one more time and see where Jay's sperm count is. He said that IUIs do work with super low counts because they are so concetrated, but it is very rare. He gave us hope though and said that Jay had PLENTY of sperm for IVF to work! If this IUI is unsuccessful, we'll switch to IVF which evidently takes about a month to prepare for the cycle. I was happy with his answer and it made sense to me. I felt SOOOO much better after leaving the clinic today.

Now I'll just wait for the nurse to call me back with the protocol. I'm thinking it will be a round of Femera, Ovidrel injection, the IUI, and a round of Crinone after. I just need to remember to ask them why my period came so early this month, to make sure my progesterone level is where it should be.

Unhappy

So today was the first day I've been unhappy with REACH. The nurse called back and said that it was up to me. We could wait a month or go ahead with it. She said that she didn't really get a chance to talk to Dr. Wing for a long time, but he said I could do either and didn't get his recommendation. I told her lets go ahead with it. She scheduled me for my ultrasound and bloodwork tomorrow, CD3. She told me Dr. Katz would do the monitoring and she checked to make sure that I still had refills. Huh? Refills? Um refills? I thought we were doing IVF? I guess not... I'm guessing we're trying IUI again? How was this not communicated?

I don't think I can take another IUI! And what was the other option she was talking about? Just doing nothing this month?! She also said something about how sometimes the Clomid doesn't even do anything for the guy. I'm just wondering; with his count sooo low, WHY are we trying this again?! I'm really frustrated. Have you ever felt like the doctor wasn't listening to what you had to say? I definitely feel like this now. I don't know what to do. I'm really unhappy with the situation. I'm unhappy that it doesn't seem like my doctor has a plan for me. Am I just going to sit here and do IUI after IUI? I want to scream at the lady MY HUSBAND HAS NO SPERM! What the F^*$ are we doing!?!?! I just cannot even express my disappointment. I feel like I'm being told no but not given any response. I probably won't even see my doctor until next month. I want to cry.

Also, I'm concerned that I'm starting my period so early. I mean day 25? When I'm on progesterone to postpone it! Do they even care? It really sucks not being able to control this situation. UGH

Infertility- Tips for Coping

I recently found these resources online and they've really helped me understand that is okay and totally normal to feel sad and to feel like trying to get pregnant is consuming your life. I know none of my readers are currently going through this but if anyone that reads this is, I hope you find this information helpful!

Article 1:
The Emotional Impact of Fertility Problems

Article 2:
Ten Tips For Coping with Fertility Issues

The pressure to raise a family can be enormous, and the thought of not being able to have children can make many people feel something is wrong with them. We talked to respected psychologists who work with couples with fertility problems to find out which coping strategies really work.

Recognize that a fertility problem is a crisis. A fertility problem may be one of the most difficult challenges you'll ever face. Acknowledging this is a key to coping, says Kate Marosek, who's counseled couples with fertility complications in the Washington, D.C., area for more than ten years.

"It's normal to feel a monumental sense of loss, to feel stressed, sad, or overwhelmed," says Marosek. "Don't chastise yourself for feeling this way." Facing and accepting your emotions can help you move beyond them.

Don't blame yourself. Resist the temptation to get angry at yourself or to listen to the little voice in your head that's saying, "I shouldn't have waited; I'm being punished for having that abortion; I should have lost more weight or taken better care of my health; I shouldn't have assumed that I could have children when I wanted" or whatever negative thoughts you may be having.

People can get caught in negative thinking patterns that only make matters worse, says Yakov M. Epstein, a psychologist at Rutgers University and co-author of Getting Pregnant When You Thought You Couldn't: "Instead of berating yourself, look forward to how you and your partner are going to manage the situation."

When you start feeling like you "should have" or "could have," remind yourself that your fertility problem is not your fault. Even if you could have made different decisions in the past, they're behind you. Concentrate on your future.

Work as a team with your partner. You and your mate should help each other through this time (and definitely not blame each other for your difficulty getting pregnant).

This doesn't mean you need to feel the same thing at the same time — that's one of the most common pitfalls for couples facing fertility problems. It does mean paying attention to what your partner's going through. "If you're taking care of each other emotionally, you can unite to fight the problem," says Marosek.

Work together to find practical ways to share the burden. If you're undergoing treatment, he can take care of the insurance papers. Or if he needs injected therapy, you can administer the shots.

Educate yourself. Read as much as you can about fertility problems and ask questions of your doctor and other couples in your situation.

Staying educated is especially important when you're dealing with a fertility problem because the technologies behind the treatments are complicated and change quickly. "You've got to understand what's happening medically," says Epstein, "or you won't be able to make informed choices."

See our resource guide for a list of books, Web sites, and organizations that can help. Learn the basics by starting at the beginning of our Fertility Problems area.

Set limits on how long you're willing to try. Some couples decide from the get-go that they won't go to extreme measures to have a baby. Others spend years and thousands of dollars exhausting all of their treatment options.

No one can tell you when to stop trying to conceive — that's a decision you need to make with your partner and doctor — but you'll feel more in control of your life if you start thinking in advance about how far you're willing to go to get pregnant.

Start by discussing your medical odds of getting pregnant, which treatments you're notwilling to try, and your end goal. (For more help with this choice, read about making the decision to end fertility treatment.)

Decide how much you're willing to pay. With in vitro fertilization (IVF) averaging $12,400 a cycle, it's no wonder couples feel anxious about money, especially since women often need to go through multiple cycles before becoming pregnant.

To cope with the anxiety caused by the high costs of treatment, sit down and develop a financial plan. Start with your insurance: Find out exactly what it does and doesn't cover. If it covers some or all of your treatments, decide which one of you will monitor the paperwork and negotiate with the insurance company.

Then look at all your assets and determine how much you can spend and on which treatments. "You should always have a plan B," says Alice Domar, a psychologist and assistant professor of obstetrics, gynecology, and reproductive biology at Harvard University Medical School who specializes in helping couples with fertility problems. "Because nothing, especially with fertility treatments, is certain."

Get support from professionals and others with fertility problems. Society often fails to recognize the grief caused by infertility, so those denied parenthood tend to hide their sorrow, which only increases their feelings of shame and isolation.

"Finding other people who are going through the same thing can help you see that fertility problems are widespread and your disappointment is understandable," says Linda Klempner, a clinical psychologist and mental health consultant at Women's Health Counseling and Psychotherapy in Teaneck, New Jersey.

Share stories and advice about fertility Problems with others in the BabyCenter Community.

If you'd like to talk to a therapist, look for one who understands reproductive medicine. "Fertility problems are very complex, and if a therapist does not understand the medical issues, he or she won't be able to help," says Epstein. Look for a referral throughRESOLVE, the American Society of Reproductive Medicine, or the InterNational Council on Infertility Information.

Just say no to baby-focused activities. If certain gatherings or celebrations are too painful for you — if all your siblings had babies in the last two years, say, or you keep getting invited to baby showers — give yourself permission to decline the invitation or at least to have a good cry afterward.

To avoid hurt feelings, send a gift but choose children's books or an online gift certificate to save yourself a troubling trip to the toy store or baby boutique.

Balance optimism and realism. "You need to be optimistic to go through a procedure," says Epstein, "but if you're too hopeful — if your hope is unrealistic — you'll be setting yourself up for a huge fall." By keeping current on the technology and your diagnosis, you can get a good handle on what chance of success you have with each treatment.

The array of medical technologies available today leads many couples to keep trying month after month, year after year. But about a third of couples treated for fertility problems won't go on to have a biological child, and often they must make peace with that before they can move on with their lives. Staying realistic can help you make smart choices as you work your way through the emotional minefield of treatment.

Take care of yourself by pursuing other interests. Being treated for a fertility problem can feel like a full- or at least part-time job, so it's important to keep up with some of the activities or hobbies that bring you pleasure.

"It won't be easy," says Marosek, "especially if you're doing something like going in for a blood test every other day, but look for ways to take care of yourself." She recommends that people get a massage, have a manicure — anything that can give them relief from the focus on fertility treatment.

If your old activities are painful — maybe all your friends are parents now — look for new diversions. If hiking sounds appealing, do that. Or take a class — painting, dance, or something else that's always tempted you.

And remember, laughter is one of the best healers. See a funny movie, head out to a comedy club, and reread your favorite funny novel.

Weekend Recap

I am so thankful for the people God has blessed me with in my life. I'm thankful for Heather from my bible school class who is also struggling with infertility. Friday night I texted her: period :( . She knows what I mean and has the kindest things to say. I didn't want to get out of bed Friday night but we had made plans to go bowling with our Sunday School class. Heather met me at the door with a cold drink and a shoulder to cry on. I let out a few whimpers and proceeded on with the night. 

I could have cared less about bowling! I enjoyed talking and spending time with friends. The topic of pregnancy came up again sometime during the night (when your around a bunch of 20 something couples it is bound to happen) and I shared our struggle with our pastor (her husband, our other pastor, leads our Sunday school class and is in the know but I don't get the chance to interact with her very often). She shared with me their struggle to conceive their youngest and the daily drives to Charlotte from Avery County to visit the doctors at REACH. Our pastors, Elizabeth and Jonathan have only been at our church for 7 months (the amount of time we've been trying for a baby). I think God put Elizabeth and Jonathan in our lives for a reason. Jonathan understands how to deal with the crazy, emotional wife part and Elizabeth understands being the crazy, emotional wife! 

Anyway... (this post was not intended to talk about infertility but I guess when your life is overcome by it, it does start to define you and dominate conversation!)  We had a GREAT time bowling and hanging out with friends. 

Elizabeth, Paige, Ruthie, Heather, and Me

Casey, Jay, and John

On Saturday, Allie and I enjoyed some lazy reality TV time while Jay took the Protecting God's Children class that the Catholic church requires for all adult volunteers (he's helping out with HT's baseball team). Bo got into town around 11 and we all got ready and headed out for a day of shopping and sisterly fun. We ate at the new mexican restaraunt near Southpark Mall, San Antonios. The food was pretty good and the $1 margarita specials was awesome. It was weird to be with just my sisters and without my Mom (she was in Atlanta looking for houses). It was like a weird preview into our life to come and I was ok with it. 

Allie (middle sis) and me @ San Antionio's

Sorry for the blurry iPhone pic

Saturday evening, Bo helped me run a TON of errands for church. Bo hates errands and I was so appreciative that she came with me :) We got Maggionos and Cheesecake Factory cheesecake to go and enjoyed a peaceful meal in our PJs. 

We had to be at church at 7am for new service set up on Sunday morning. Boy was it early! This was our first "practice" service before we started marketing our new service to the city of Charlotte. Easter is the big reveal. We were expecting 30, praying for 50, and 70 people came! It was a huge success and so great to see all of our work in action. Jay, sitting next to me, kept whispering how awesome it was! It was great to hear about it through his opinion. We enjoyed a meal with several of the other worship committee members at Mert's Soul Food. Quickie review- breakfast was just ok. I was expecting better but the conversation was great and thats what makes a meal :)

Setting up for Connect

A fter church I hung out with the pack of animals now living at our house and Jay worked on the yard. I got some spring/Easter decorating done. I'm really proud of my spring table setting! I LOVE pink and green and love using them to decorate my house. 

Sunday evening we headed over to our friend Heather and Jeremy's house to watch the basketball game with our Sunday School class in lieu of class (this was a major church-y weekend!). We had a great time and came home tired and ready for bed!

Paige R., Avery and Brenn 

reading books @ Heather and Jeremy's

Hope you had a GREAT weekend!  

impatient is my middle name

As per instructed by my RE, I called early Sunday morning to inform them I had started my period. The weekend nurse called me back to let me know that my nurse would call me this morning with instructions for the next cycle. I just received a phone call from my favorite nurse Denise. I updated her on what the urologist said (Jay's on the clomid for the next few months). She asked me if we wanted to do anything this cycle or just wait for the clomid to kick in. I told her that I don't know how many more disappointments I can take. I know Jay's last washed SA (semen analysis) was only 500,000 and that is sooo few sperm. I'm not really optimistic that the clomid will do THAT much for him. I asked her how far off from IVF we were. She agreed it was the next step and wanted to talk further with Dr. Wing about proceeding with it. He was currently in a meeting but should get back to her this afternoon and she'd call me then.... I hate waiting! I want to know now. My internet doctor has told me that prior to IVF many patients take birth control pills to level everything out. Those pills would start on CD2 and that is today. 

I could be COMPLETELY wrong about the protocol for IVF (I mean webmd doesn't issue diplomas :) ) but I just really hate waiting to find out what to do next. Please hurry 3pm! 

It's here.

So I woke up bright and early this morning to prepare for our new church service that starts today and guess who came to visit? Yup I defintely started today. At least the spotting helps me prepare for what is to come and I dot have the same crazy emotions going on today as I did on Friday.

Every month that I'm not pregnant I tell myself that it's going to happen this month and actually look up my next "due date". Hoping that positive thinking will do the trick! This month's due date would be January 1st. Kind of cool. Maybe we'll have the first baby of the year!

This is probably tmi by I'm concerned that I started my period really early this month and that the Crinone (progesterone) isn't doing it's job of putting enough progesterone in my body to prevent me from having a miscarriage by starting my period too early. We've also entertained the idea of switching to IVF this month. I know it's early in the infertility process but the way the sperm counts are coming in, it may be our only hope. I don't think I can keep having this disappointment each month as we wait for Jay's count to go up.

We're headed to church for the first day of the new contemporary service that we've been working hard to put on. Please
Pray for our church that this is a success and allows us to reach out to our community in a meaningful way!

March 25th

March 25th. The new date. The date I started spotting. Meaning full fledge period will begin tomorrow. Meaning I'm totally devastated. I really don't know how many more of these major let downs I can take. I don't know what to think or feel. It just hurts so bad.

Please let me be pregnant and not crazy!

I've been feeling really crazy over the past few days. I'm pretty emotional and actually cried typing an email this afternoon. I'm losing my patience with my students and giving out tons of demerits. Normally I'm laid back and joke around with them but recently they just annoy me. Everything annoys me! The only thing I really want to do is lay in bed and play solitaire on my phone! We're going out bowling this evening with friends and I really hate to say it but I'm not looking forward to it.

March 29th. I should find out whether I'm pregnant or not by that date. I've been searching all over the internet for signs and symptoms. During this two week wait time, I'm usually pretty good, patient, and optimistic for the first week. The second week is HARD. I think everything is a sign of pregnancy and life is good; Then, I start reading too much internet mess and start thinking negatively. I haven't found a single success story of an IUI working with on 500,000 sperm and that really depresses me. On top of that, Jay hasn't picked up the medicine that was prescribed 10 days ago to help increase his sperm count. Instead he has worked on his Jeep non-stop.

I stopped for a good five minutes during my planning period to pray and couldn't even clear my head enough to really figure out what I should or want to be praying for. I want this pregnancy to work, I want to accept that I'm following God's plan and not my own, I want Jay to be as committed as I am, I want to stop feeling like a crazy person, I want patience to wait, I want to accept that I am not in control. Maybe sometimes its better for me to write it out rather than keep all of these things stored in my head. I do feel guilty though. I feel guilty that I'm not praying for the people in Japan, for those that are hurting or hungry, or homeless, or even for my friends that I've promised to pray for in their time of need. I do want all of those things but I REALLY want a baby.

Sorry this post is a bit sad and whiney but I do feel better when I get it on paper. And again, this blog is really for me, my space.

On a good note, there are highlights to during my day. These highlights always remind me of all the things I have to be thankful for. My favorite carpool mom complimented my shoes again today. My kids loved my outfit and told me how pretty I looked. That always helps! Jen, my favorite substitute and fellow soccer coach was subbing for another encore teacher today and we got to eat lunch together. Yay for adult time!

I enjoyed a TON of yummy sushi last night with my besties Mary Clare and Kathryn at Rusan's. Yay that my OB told me I could still eat sushi until I saw a plus sign.

Speaking of, on Wednesday I went in my my annual ob-gyn appointment (I mean really, I pretty much get a pap smear five times a month, do I really need an annual exam?) I decided to see a new doctor, Dr. James. Jay and I met him the day after we got our first positive pregnancy test. He was so kind dealing with me in my fragile state and was all set to put me on fertility drugs (we opted to go to a RE instead). I knew that day I wanted him to deliver my baby. At my latest appointment, he actually knocked on wood that I was pregnant and proceeded to tell me all about the new maternity center at CMC where I would deliver my baby. He was so hopeful and optimistic it made me feel good!  Going to the obgyn was HARD but I made it through seeing all of those pregnant bellies and precious newborns without shedding a tear. Thank you Lord!

After my appointment and soccer game on Wednesday, I met my favorite bible study gals at Rock Bottom for dinner and drinks before our new service rehearsal. Getting out with the girls ALWAYS lifts my spirits. Especially these girls. I'm blessed to be part of such a fun, supportive group.

I feel better just writing that and getting it all out! Thanks for listening. Have a great weekend!
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