SUYL- Infertility

It has been a while since I've linked up to talk about this topic. Infertility was such a huge part of our lives and even after 2 (almost 3) kids I still think about it all of the time. We have been through clomid, IUI's, Failed IVF fresh transfers, and IVF frozen transfers (all of our posts are tagged with keywords). We now have a set of 20 month old twins and a baby boy on the way due in April. I consider us so fortunate that we have this family. It wasn't easy getting to where we are today. I am still baffled when people tell me how *lucky* I am to have had boy/girl twins and how I need a hobby because we got pregnant with our third so close to the twins (he was a very planned frozen transfer btw!).  If people only knew what went into bringing these children into our lives. I also know what it is like to have a IVF transfer fail. And I still feel a bit of sting when I think about our sweet baby boy that was transferred with another frozen embryo that didn't make it. My mind is always thinking about that last little frozen embryo we have sitting at the fertility clinic just waiting for us. I still feel a pang of envy for moms that have "surprise" pregnancies. That get to announce their pregnancy to their husband in a cute way instead of waiting on pins and needles for a beta test result number.

Infertility was devastating. I can still feel that pain of seeing a negative pregnancy test and thinking that I would never ever have a child. Infertility was pretty much the whole reason I got into this blogging world. I googled everything and found so much comfort in reading other's stories. I feel like God allowed us to suffer and grow through infertility in order to help others. Since going through the whole process myself, I've had several friends that have had to deal with this diagnosis. I don't want this to come out wrong because I would NEVER wish infertility on anyone but I am so thankful that I can help those who are navigating the tricky waters of infertility treatments. I am soooo happy for these mamas that have all come out on the other side. I am happy to be a sounding board, a person to text to talk about best ways to give a shot, to go through those the scary first beta test, and to pray that those numbers keep rising. Please email me (jayandanni at gmail dot com)  if you have any questions about our journey or what its like to go through this process. I am so happy to help anyone that needs it. I made a very conscious decision to share this part of our life on my blog in hopes that someone who reads it would find it helpful.

SCARY!

Last night we had quite a scare with my medications. The past two nights, Jay has had a hard time getting the needle to puncture my skin and the shots have hurt sooo badly. Last night hurt so bad our conversation went like this:
Me: Jay are you using the old vial or new vial of medicine?
Jay: I switched to the new vial because the old vial was going to expire.
Me: It doesn't expire until 2012 (thinking that maybe he didn't read the year and just the date)
Jay: Shows me the vial of the WRONG medication and points out that it expired on October 5th. (PS- The vial he showed me was the medicine that is REALLY thick and goes in my tush through a HUGE needle. It would make sense that the past two nights were difficult to inject because this medication is not supposed to be injected in my stomach)
Me: Totally freaks out because he has been injecting me with the wrong medicine for the past three days! I got very upset and told him this cycle wouldn't work because I've been taking the wrong medication.(insert long lecture on trust, paying attention, waste of money, etc.)

We then walked back to the bedroom and found the old vial of the medicine he should have been injecting me with on the nightstand. He had been using the correct medicine afterall, he just did not put in back in its normal place making it look like he'd used the wrong stuff. Holy Cow. Talk about freaking out. Although everything turned out fine, it was a good wakeup call for us. We both decided we need to be less cavalier about the whole process and pay more attention to what we should be doing :)

FET Here we go!

So by the time I post this I will probably have just announced that I am not pregnant, sad but ready to move on! At this point I will also have had some of my frozen embryos implanted! That's the exciting part.

We started our first round of shots on Tuesday evening. My anxiety level is really low probably because I know what to expect. Tuesday's shot was super easy and painless. Last nights shot was miz. Jay stuck me once and then quickly again. Pain. He explained that the first shot wouldn't puncture my skin and so he quickly tried again. I gripped his arm and left some marks :o

The protocol for an FET should be much easier on me than the fresh cycle of IVF. I've been on BC pills since September and will be on them for a total of 21 days. These are to regulate my system and quiet everything down. I'll be on the lupron shots for several days (14-20). I will also start adding estrogen patches soon. Those should help me become quite the moody bitch :) as well as thicken my lining. 6 days before the transfer we will add those lovely progesterone shots in the tush. Our transfer is scheduled for November 2nd. That leaves me finding out if it worked the day before my birthday. I'm praying for a wonderful birthday present this year :)

So I think that's where we're at on the expanding our family section of our life. Things have definitely been stressful recently so if the FET doesn't work, we're going to take some time off to regroup and recoup our finances. As always, thanks for the continued support!

Bad News

I've been waiting a while to write this post. Yesterday afternoon, I learned that my blood test confirmed that I am not pregnant and that this round of IVF was unsuccessful.

I'll start from the beginning. On Friday afternoon I noticed a tiny bit of spotting and was elated! This tiny bit of spotting is known as implantation bleeding, meaning my little embryos had snuggled into my lining and implanted themselves. I was so excited and knew that a pregnancy test would give me a positive result in a few days. My mom came into town Friday night and we enjoyed a nice meal out. I was in such a great mood. On Saturday we ventured over to Shower Me With Love (an adorable baby boutique) to pick up a gift for a friends shower and do a little browsing for ourselves. I was even more excited that I thought I could be pregnant and start buying all the adorable baby things. On Sunday morning, I took a pregnancy test and it came back negative. I assumed I had tested too early and the HCG wasn't pumping through my body just yet. Sunday afternoon the spotting picked up. A lot. I cried. I knew something wasn't right. This wasn't implantation bleeding anymore...Monday morning, the spotting picked up even more and combined with another pregnancy test, I knew this pregnancy was not happening. (TMI ALERT) On Tuesday, I started my period. I cried all the way to school. I choked back tears during the day. I barely made it through cheer practice. I called the nurse Tuesday afternoon to let her know that I had started and to ask if we could move my blood pregnancy test up so that I could confirm what I already knew and quit taking those painful progesterone shots in the rear! They scheduled me for Wednesday morning.

Tuesday night, Jay and I enjoyed a glass of wine together while sitting on the porch watching the sunset. We talked about how sad we were, how upset we were. Jay was frustrated with God and asked why he continued to punish us. I thought about it for a minute and realized how upset his comment made me. I told him that we are not being punished. We are blessed. We have amazing lives. We are well cared for and loved. We have a great marriage, a beautiful home, and wonderful friends and families. This simply was not God's plan for us to get pregnant at this time. At that time I put my faith 100% with God and prayed that his plan was for us to one day be parents. And to grant us patience as we wait for that day to come. 

On Wednesday morning I was MUCH better. I headed into the drs office and one of the nurses that helped with my retrieval surgery was at the registration desk. She asked me if I was excited about today. I told her no, I already knew the results and that it didn't work. I then smiled, thanked her for asking and went upstairs for the lab work. During lab, I got my favorite tech and she again asked me how I was feeling about today's test. I let her know that it would be negative. I kept a smile the whole time, telling her that I looked forward to seeing her again in a few weeks to start the process over again. My regular nurse called me around 10 with the results. She left a message stating how surprised she was and that this was not the outcome they expected. I called her back and let her know I was totally fine and ready to move on. I think she thought I was nuts, I mean what lady doesn't cry when they tell her that her high-tech attempt at pregnancy did not work out. I told her I knew from Sunday on that this wouldn't work out and I was over the tears and ready to move forward with the next step. 

We were so fortunate and had such a great IVF cycle that we were able to freeze some of our leftover embryos.  In approximately 6 weeks we'll be transferring two or three frozen embryos back into my body. I start birth control pills to start slowing my ovaries down this evening and will resume the lovely Lupron (in the tummy) shots in a few weeks. Luckily, this procedure is much more affordable in comparison to the total IVF. I am so excited to move further on this journey to becoming a Mom.