Was that a three day weekend?

First of all... I'd like to thank all that have served our country and fought for our freedom. I was happy to take a moment to reflect on what this holiday really means at church on Sunday. So often we think of these holidays as an extra day off work and don't take the time to really celebrate the meaning behind the holiday. Not that I did much celebrating this year....

I started babysitting for a family of three (a freshman, an 8th grader, and a 3rd grader) on Thursday afternoon. I finished babysitting on Sunday afternoon at 6pm. It was a long but pretty easy weekend. The kids are at the age where all they need me to do is drive them around. The little one and I enjoyed hanging by the pool on Sunday and soaking up the sun. Luckily their neighborhood is also home to many of my mommy friends and I had some adult time at the pool catching up.

Sunday evening Bo and I made the trek to Atlanta to spend some time with my parents and "help" them unpack. First of all, growing up in a house that is around 3,000 sq feet makes this place feel like a mansion. I got lost trying to figure out all the doorways and steps! This house is absolutely perfect for our family. It's a little big for my parents by themselves but hopefully we'll be able to fill it with family often. I finally have the huge room I've always wanted and my closet is large enough for a nursery. I told my parents that if Jay ever gets transfered to Atlanta we are buying this house from them! My parents did a great job and now I'm so excited to spend a week down there and help my mom decorate! The biggest challenge is finding new furniture of the right scale to fill the place!

I was so excited to see my husband last night! I hadn't seen him since Thursday and really missed him. He was in Asheboro this weekend and came back with the best part of the summer, our boat! We've got some yearly maintenance to do this week and then hopefully by the weekend of the 10th we'll be out on the lake!!!

This morning I sent my little sister Bo off for her first day of work at her big girl job. She's working at McColl Partners investing firm. Last night we made sure that her suit was perfectly pressed and everything was ready to go! I know she is anxious (as we all were before entering the real world) and I hope her day is fabulous!

Highlights of the week I'm looking forward too (please let me know if you'd like to join!):
1. Wednesday Night- Alive After 5 at Piedmont Row
2. Thursday Night- Kenny Chesney Concert
3. Friday Night- Drinks and Dancing @ Andrew Blair's
4. Saturday Day- The monthly egg count
5. Saturday Night- Confirmation Dinner for me/Ivey's dance recital for Jay
6. Sunday- Church

Here's to a GREAT week ahead and only two more weeks until summer vacay!

It's Friday and I'm not really excited

Many months ago a family friend asked my sister if she would babysit their children this weekend. My sister started grad school a few weeks ago and wasn't going to be able to so I volunteered for the job. The family has a son that is a freshman, a daughter in 8th grade, and another son in 3rd grade. Seemed easy enough, the dad told me both the older kids would stay with friends and I'd just watch the younger one. I'd start after school on Thursday and get done mid-Saturday. Perfect. Make a little extra money and still have two days of my weekend!

The plan was to host a cookout Saturday night, lead the design portion of our church service Sunday morning, head down to Atlanta after church. I got to the house I was babysitting at on Thursday and realized that the parents were not coming back until late Sunday evening. I was SOOO bummed. I'm debating about heading to Atlanta Sunday evening or just hanging out in Charlotte. I hate when I've got things so perfectly planned out and something doesn't go the way I planned it. UGH!

Spring Cleaning

I spent the majority of the day yesterday cleaning my classroom. It was time. It was nasty. Things had accumulated over the year. Papers were stacked everywhere. Candy from 2008 may have been found. A gentle nudge from an administrator may have lit the fire under my hiney to get it done. So now it's done and I'm actually proud of my room. It is nice to have it clean. It looks nice and organized. But it's a fraud. It's not me. I'm not nice and clean. I'm a mess. I always have been and assume I always will be. Give me a week in this room and I'm sure it will look like a dump again. It's not that I try to make it messy, it just becomes that way. I'm no good at filing away papers, putting pens back in the pen holder, throwing away things I don't need. When my room is clean, I lose things. I'm much more likely to find something buried under a pile on my desk than in a file folder.

I'm hoping I can keep it clean for as long as possible. I do appreciate neatness. I just have a hard time keeping it. While my room is neat I've decided to post some pictures so that you can see where I live for 50+ hours each week! (pics coming soon... I have to wait until students aren't in my classroom)

By the way, I have a new favorite blog: Beth's Journey. It's a foodie/healthy living blog. Her recipes are awesome and I've really enjoyed reading! I've made her zucchini burgers and plan to make the fish tacos for dinner this Saturday. Hopefully you'll be able to get something out of it too!

CD3

We headed back to the doctor again today for our CD3 appointment. Everything is clear and ready to go for this cycle. Jay is going to get another semen analysis done on June 13th. If this cycle doesn't work and Jay's count is still low, we will proceed with IVF.


I was hoping to start IVF on this next cycle. Doctor Wing informed me today that it will be at least 6-8 after this cycle before we start IVF. Evidently we have to do tons of paperwork, go to counseling sessions, and take medications to prepare. So I'm thinking I may have the possibility of being pregnant in August? We'll have to see how it all goes. I wasn't necessarily expecting it to take so long so I was a little sad leaving the clinic. I've tried sooo hard not to be sad about it recently and decided that it was ok to give myself a little break and be sad for a few moments. In August we will have officially tried for a year. Who know it would be this long and possibly longer. That's all for now!

New Blog

Many of you know, and especially if you've been reading this blog, that I've really been struggling with weight loss. I try to work out, get busy, get emotional, and then I quit exercising and chow down. It's time to really take control over my weight issues. I feel more accountable when I write about it but I don't really think this blog is the right platform. Instead, I've started a new second blog called Anni Eats... and get skinny. I'm going to post every piece of food that enters my body on that blog. I'm also going to keep track of our house's biggest loser competition (Me vs. Bo vs. Jay). I'll still post some recipes here and if I post them there I'll be sure to include a link.

Feel free to follow along on the journey to get skinny and I've you've got advice or food to try please check out Anni Eats and leave a comment!

Thanks!!!

A Little Good News!

It's open enrollment benefit time at our school. Our school has terrible health and dental benefits and I am so lucky that Jay has excellent benefits (minus infertility coverage, but that is rare). The only good thing the school has done is to give us the option of having a Flexible Spending Account. Jay and I have always had one through his company but my school's FSA starts in July and its great for supplementing Jay's. Last year we maxed out Jay's FSA in November. We thought we did a pretty good job figuring out our normal medical bills and we came out pretty good. I also was fortunate to use my school's FSA for new eyes lasik eye surgery. Then infertility struck....

Jay's new FSA started January 1st 2011. We depleted Jay's FSA by February 1st 2011 and have just been paying medical expenses with our hard earned taxed dollars ever since. Today I called the company that administers my FSA and to my surprise, they told me I could use the money on infertility drugs and IVF treatment! Woo Hoo! Now, my FSA max in $2500 and that doesn't pay a lot, but its sure better than nothing! Why am I surprised you ask? Well the Catholic Church doesn't support the use of non-conjugal acts to create a child. Nor do that support any sort of medication that prevents conception (i.e. birth control pills). Our insurance will not cover them at all. I assumed the FSA wouldn't cover any of the infertility but I am sooo happy it does! It's just like adding $2500 to our savings account! Yay for the little things!

Yes, I am Crazy

See what happens when you blog without thinking. How could I make it an entire summer without my husband. I couldn't. I would miss him WAY to much! It could have been fun but I think it was just a crazy idea! Haha! Maybe I'll go run and join the circus instead. I know I sound like a lunatic. Its probably the ADD talking. No more crazy posts for the day. Promise :)

Have I lost my mind?

Sooo I just got an email from my principal with "summer job" as the subject. Now, normally I enjoy doing NOTHING over the summer, but this one has to be different. If we're going to do IVF, I want to pay for as much as we can out of pocket and not have to finance it or borrow from our families. I've been babysitting lately to try to save but I think I can save more money giving up date night!

So what is this summer job that intrigued me? Cruise Director. Yes, you read that correct. The position is for a junior cruise director (aka children's activities) on the luxurious uber-expensive Crystal Cruise lines. The cruise that I would work on would either be around Alaska or Northern Europe. Pretty nice little deal.

I have no idea what prompted me to do this. Maybe because I've never done anything remotely adventurous or on my own. I've been a "pair" since I was 18. I didn't travel abroad, live with girlfriends at the beach, or spend a summer in NYC like many of my girlfriends. Maybe cruise director isn't all that appealing but it would be something new and different. Something to do before getting pregnant with a little one. I know this isn't an amazing, life-altering experience, but I know for sure I'll never do anything like it once I start a family. So I'm going to go ahead and send my resume and see what happens. Who knows if I will really do it or if I'm just tempted by the idea of it.

Sleep... where are you?

I have been sooo exhausted lately. Jay tells me that its lack of exercise. I'm going to try to work exercise into my routine again. I feel like I get my life all together and then busy-ness happens and it all falls a part (you should see my bedroom right now). I feel like I've blog neglected recently, but I don't really have anything to talk about. Now that infertility has calmed down, my life has become boring again! Ha!

We had an exciting weekend and I'm sad to say that I didn't take ANY pictures. The problem with changing purses. Anyhow, we walked a LOT on Friday and slept a LOT on Saturday. Like 2pm a lot. Haven't done that in years. We attend Brian and Jesse's wedding on Saturday and it was sooo much fun. Great group of people. Lots of dancing. Sushi bar. Um yea.

Sunday was LOADS of church. We always have a great time but after an exhausting weekend we were tired! We pooped out of evening Sunday school and planned to spend some QT in front of the TV. Our house phone rang (ya, we're old. We have a house phone) and it was my BFF Mary Clare. She was surprising me with dessert! She picked me up and headed to a super secret location Amalie's on the other side of the world aka NoDa. If you haven't had their salted caramel brownies you are really missing out. It was such a fun surprise to catch up with one of my very best friends. We haven't seen each other in forever (an indication of our crazy busy lives). MC,  I am so thankful to have you in my life. Even though we don't see each other as often as we would like, I know you are always there for me :)

Ok enough mush. Cheer tryouts started yesterday and I have an amazing group of 55 girls to choose from. They are all really great girls. I have an amazing (can I overuse that word anymore?) group of adult coaches helping me also. Hoping I can make a few State games this year instead of always being stuck at the ballfield!

Random thoughts but I'll wrap it up. Have a Happy Tuesday!

It's Friday Friday Gotta Get Down on Friday

Ha! So today I told my kids that if they sang that annoying song solo I'd let them have a free day. A few of them took me up on the offer and it was HILARIOUS! I still made them do some work but it set the tone for a fun Friday in the classroom. As a teacher I like to engage my students. I demand respect but also LOVE to have fun with them. I laugh continuously throughout the day. I truly enjoy my job.

Jay and I have been sooo busy lately. Its hard to take time and slow down for one another. Cheerleading began this week with registration night on Monday. I was at work for 15 hours straight! Tuesday night was spent at a Rock Bottom for a church meeting. I'm loving the dinner and drinking meetings. Everyone is always happier! Wednesday night, Bo (My youngest sister who excitedly moved in with us on Tuesday), Jay, and I decorated the sanctuary for worship on Sunday morning. Last night I had a free night but Jay had softball. I swear the only time we see each other is right before bed! I'm not complaining I love to be busy but I do need a relaxing day with the hubs every now and then.

So that's what we're planning to do this weekend. Um ya right. Tonight we have a baseball party to celebrate the Holy Trinity boy's baseball team and my husband's wonderful coaching. The boys are sooo excited that we are coming. I just hope they don't push him in the pool or something because right after the party we are headed to Relay for Life. My friend Heather's brother died of cancer and we are all walking/raising money in his honor. If you would like to donate please click here. Jay and I will be walking from 1am-2am and again from 6am-7am.

Soon after Relay Jay is heading to play paintball with his mentee from church. Owen has been looking forward to this day for forever and texts Jay about once a week asking him when they get to go paintball-ing. I'm hoping he doesn't get too bruised because after paintball we'll be attending the wedding of our good friends Brian Buchanan and Jesse Kopp. We are so excited to see these two finally tie the knot!

We've got lotsa church happening on Sunday and I mean LOTS OF CHURCH. I love it though.

I hate to say it but I'm already looking forward to spending next weekend at the beach. I need to get my spray tan on before we head down there! Ha!

Hope your week wasn't as crazy as ours and that you are enjoying this beautiful spring weather! Have a great weekend!

Interesting Article

One of my good friends sent me a link to this article. Teaching in a Catholic School I found it really interesting. What are your views on IVF? Would you deliver someone else's baby? 

My Take: Catholic Church should reverse opposition to in vitro fertilization

Editor's note: Sean Savage is coauthor of "Inconceivable: A Medical Mistake, the Baby We Couldn't Keep, and Our Choice to Deliver the Ultimate Gift" and a cradle Catholic who lives in Sylvania, Ohio, with his wife and three children.

By Sean Savage, Special to CNN

According to the Roman Catholic Church, the only moral route to conceiving a child is through sexual intercourse. As a Catholic, I find the church's position to be discriminatory against couples who have medical conditions that prevent them from conceiving in that manner.

I never intended to challenge the church when my wife and I pursued in vitro fertilization in an effort to expand our family after a decade of unsuccessful infertility treatments. We loved our two boys and we'd always wanted a big family. After a successful IVF procedure in 2007 brought us our daughter in 2008, we tried again so that we could fulfill our commitment to give every embryo we created a chance at life.

When a fertility center made a critical error by transferring another couple's embryos to my wife, we were thrust into an unusual pregnancy and eventually found ourselves at the center of an intense media storm. On September 24, 2009, the day Carolyn gave birth to a very loved baby boy, who was immediately turned over to his genetic parents, the Catholic Diocese of Toledo released a statement to The Toledo Blade condemning IVF as "morally unacceptable."

Because we were the focus of the news, we felt as though the diocese was really condemning us.

The statement hurt Carolyn and me tremendously. We had hoped for the church's support and prayer on one of the hardest days we've ever faced.

Carolyn and I have always believed in our stewardship responsibilities to the church. I'd given thousands of hours over the years to coaching youth through my local parish, have raised funds for Catholic churches and schools and have given charitably to church causes. Carolyn had dedicated her career to teaching and working as a principal in Catholic schools.

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Instead of support, the church branded us in a very public way with the apparently shameful letters IVF. Why couldn't the church recognize our journey for what it was - an affirmation of the sanctity of life? Their negative response motivated me to look closer at the issue.

I believe there is an ethical path a couple can take when pursuing IVF and I ask the Roman Catholic Church to consider adopting a new doctrine that provides moral guidance for Catholic couples on how to do so.

While I share many concerns with the Catholic Church about abuses within the science of IVF, I disagree with a number of points the church makes on the issue. The church spelled out its stance in Donum Vitae, a 1987 doctrine on biomedical issues released by the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith - an office then led by Cardinal Joseph Ratziner, who is now Pope Benedict XVI - and in 2008's Dignitas Personae, another influential church document.

The original doctrine states that "even if it (IVF) is considered in the context of 'de facto' existing sexual relations, the generation of the human person is deprived of its proper perfection; namely, that of being the result and fruit of a conjugal act." Dignitas Personae echoes this position by stating "human procreation is a personal act of a husband and wife, which is not capable of substitution."

I am personally opposed to the intentional destruction and discarding of unwanted embryos and understand why this is condemned by the church. But to state that a child born of IVF is less perfect than a child created through sexual intercourse is absurd. Is the church truly claiming that our beautiful and innocent daughter, conceived through an IVF procedure, is somehow "less" because of how her physical life began? In her, Carolyn and I see God's precious creation.

Of course, the creation of a child through a conjugal act is the preferred method because it is the most natural, least expensive and least stressful. But that shouldn't mean it should be the only acceptable route to conception.

What about Catholic men and women who have legitimate medical conditions, like endometriosis, which Carolyn has and which caused infertility despite efforts at surgical intervention?

Carolyn and I would have been happy to save thousands of dollars and a decade of emotional ups and downs by conceiving the "old-fashioned way," but that wasn't possible. We turn to medicine for a litany of medical maladies and impairments, but infertile Catholics are supposed to avoid treating a medical condition which prevents them from building or expanding their family?

Yes, adoption is a wonderful option for the couples who decide it's right for them, but adoption should never be forced on anyone.

The Donum Vitae doctrine also states that "in vitro fertilization is in itself illicit and in opposition to the dignity of procreation and of the conjugal union even when everything is done to avoid the death of the human embryo."

The term "illicit" has such a grave connotation and to use it in this context seems quite out of place. Should a couple that seeks a child through IVF, and that does so with a commitment to allow every embryo a chance at life, be considered to be participating in an illicit activity?

The most perplexing and pejorative language from Donum Vitae is that "marriage does not confer upon the spouses the right to have a child... the child has the right, as already mentioned to be the fruit of the specific act of the conjugal love of his parents and has the right to be respected as a person from the moment of conception."

Babies born of IVF are here because their parents loved, respected and longed for these children well before conception. These children could not get here through the conjugal love of their parents and it took a very deep love, respect, and commitment to pursue the medical treatment needed to conceive through IVF. There is no doubt in my mind that God is working through loving parents and ethical doctors to allow these children to come into this world.

Now for the ironic in Donum Vitae: "Scientists are to be encouraged to continue their research with the aim of preventing causes of sterility and of being able to remedy them so that sterile couples will be able to procreate in full respect for their own personal dignity and that of the child to be born."

So although there are solutions for sterile couples today, those should not be sought because they are outside of the conjugal act? If Carolyn and I were to wait until the scientific advances described in this statement before pursuing additional children, we would not have our daughter - or the opportunity to welcome two more children into this world this August.

If science can advance to the point that all procreation can happen within the confines of the conjugal act, that would be incredible. But what do couples do while waiting the years and probable decades before these advances come to fruition?

The challenge for the church is to see the beauty in the science and that there is a path within IVF that is worthy of God's grace and approval.

The church's presence in this field could help limit abuses and disregard for human life through advocacy, education, and support. Perhaps it could provide counselors as couples pursue IVF and face many technical and nuanced decisions. And maybe the church could help couples navigate even more complex situations, like embryo adoption.

Carolyn and I were victims of the worst IVF mistake on record. But we remain proponents of the science and understand the good that is done by God through ethical physicians in this industry. We value and support the sanctity of life, even if it's created with the help of IVF.

The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of Sean Savage.

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Weekend Round Up

We had an exhausting weekend. Lots of work, a little play. I babysat all day Friday while Jay headed out of town to spend sometime with his mom for mother's day.

I had a bit of a fright Friday night. The four dogs were all sleeping in my bed. Around 4:00 they all started barking and wouldn't stop. I figured the barking was due to window being opened. I settled the dogs back down and checked my phone. I have my alarm company's app on my phone and I can see when the alarm is armed and disarmed. I noticed that the alarm had not been disabled and rearmed meaning that my sister was not yet home from the bar. I figured that she decided to spend the night out with friends, which she often does. I headed back to sleep. Around 4:45 they woke up barking again. I was a little annoyed so I went over to shut the bedroom window and noticed a pickup truck sitting right underneath my window in the garage. I quickly set the motion detectors and called my sister to see if it was her. She didn't pick up. Having our home been broken into before, I am always on high alert (I also sleep with a hammer when Jay's out of town!). I quickly called 911 and explained that I needed police. I was giving the operator a play by play when all of a sudden the door to the pickup opened and a shadowy figure got out. I was scared to death. The light from the car came on and illuminated the figure. Turns out it was my sister and one of her guy friends. I apologized to the 911 officer and hung up, my heart was still racing a mile a minute. I met Allie as she was coming up the basement steps and scared the crap out of her (aren't sisters fun). We both had a good laugh over my frightening experience!

Saturday was more babysitting for me and quality time for Jay and his mom. Jay arrived home around 5:30 on Saturday night just in time to give me my egg releasing shot of Ovidrel. I'm getting sooo much better at the shots! Jay also returned with the most delicious pound cake. A lady in Asheboro makes the delightful cakes and has won first place in the state fair several times. Jay's aunt Terri bought it for us and deemed it a baby-creating cake! Ha!

the biggest baby I've ever seen!

Saturday night our crazy house was empty so we headed out to one of our favorite casual eating spots, Rusty's Deli. I love their veggie spud with chicken. We enjoyed eating outside and the beautiful weather. We even had the pleasure of dining next to some pro golfers!

Sunday started with a great church service about journeys that you go on without knowing where you are going. Put faith in the Lord and follow without asking why. I know that I am on a journey and I know that my journey will eventually come to an end and I'll be so happy with the result :) I just have to trust in God that his timing is perfect, and mine is not. I'm letting go and jumping into this journey head first. I've been living life to the fullest and enjoying our pre-baby life :)

Speaking of enjoying, Sunday after church we headed to the Wells Fargo Championship for a beautiful day of golf. We had fun and felt like royalty driving up to the special entrance for folks that live in the neighborhood that surrounds the golf course. We walked right in to the 5th hole and enjoyed watching the golfers come through. Later in the day we met up with some friends and had fun drinking and watching golf. Like I said, I'm trying to enjoy this time in our lives!

I'm Baaaaccck!

So I've taken a little blogging break. Here's what I've been up to:

 

Heather's 30th "80's Themed Birthday"

Attending the "ZeroK" Bar Crawl with Friends

 

Had friends over for a cookout

Enjoying our food and the beautiful weather

Sara and Chad

The Boys

My hottie husband :)

Had to eat here on our way down 74 to the beach!

Car #1 at lunch

 

Car #2

Yay for sparkle laffy taffy that my sister found for me at a country gas station

Once we arrived at the beach it was a little on the cold and yucky side.

We were sent out to the grocery store for mom and decided to ditch her car and ride home on these!

Of course I got the pink one!

 

Bo and I

The dock at low tide

Three Girls

We love Corona

Enjoyed a low country boil with 25 of our closest family friends

(Right now we're just doing the appetizer part)

Spent some time together

Enjoyed the pool and view from our place on Oak Island

Took WAY to much stuff to the beach

Enjoyed seeing our parents together again 

(Dads been living in ALT for quiet awhile now)

Yummy ice cream @ Holden Beach

Mom and Bo

Me and Mom rockin the one pieces

Allie and Caroline, my other one piece friend :)

Spent a little time boating on the intercoastal

Enjoyed our last beautiful sunset before heading home to...

INSERT PARTY PIC HERE

returned home from spring break and threw our parents an amazing going away party

attended the wedding of Mrs. Katie Self Nifong

Jay and Tyler

Nikki and Jay

Jess and Me

The beautiful bridesmaids

me and the hubs

The Fabulous Four

College BFFs

The party got going

and kept going

lots of fist pumps?!

a little double fisting

roomies

the beautiful bride

My last day before school started again, I finally was able to take care of some things around the house.

I finally got a large wedding picture framed to go above our bed. 

Now we just need an actual headboard!

Quick Update:

First of all, Happy Easter! I hope you are all celebrating this day with family and friends. We're fortunate to be at the beach with both sides of our families. Lots of fun pictures to come!

Well the two week wait is over and I've learned today that I'm not pregnant and I'm ok with it. No tears this time. Weve decided that I'm going to continue with my meds and trying the old fashioned way until July. In July we'll check on Jays little swimmers and see how far they've come and make a decision about IVF then. I'm feeling really good and at peace with our decision.

Happy Easter!

Looking forward!

Jay and I met with the infertility therapist yesterday and she was great. She works with our practice so she knows our doctor and nurse really well. I'm glad we went to see her. We'll probably just go every once in awhile but it was nice to be reassured that everything we're feeling is completely normal :)

I've been eating really healthy and working out this week and have lost 6lbs. I'm normally one of those people that can put on 15 lbs pretty easily and then lose it quickly. I know its not good for me but what can I say. I started attending a Y class that I used to go to on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. Its at 5:45 and its the perfect mix of running/cardio and weights, but not quiet a crazy "power hour". I'd love for a work buddy to join me! It's at Harris. I went on Thursday and burned 500 calories in 42 minutes. I went for a run this morning and boy were my legs sore! I've got some new recipes to post too!

Looking forward to this weekend:

Tonight is my friend Heather's 30 Birthday 80's themed party. I'm not sure what look we are going for. Possibly 80's preppy because Jay looks hot in short shorts. Ha! I asked my aunt who went to college in the 80s for some ideas and inspiration. She scanned me some pics and they're hilarious! I've got to work on the hair thing because I think that really is key!

Saturday morning are 30 bales of pine straw will be delivered and we get to spend the morning making the yard look nice.

Saturday afternoon there is a bar crawl on Montford drive. 12-5. PERFECT for me! I enjoy day drinking much better than staying up super late. If you're in Charlotte come join the fun. We're going to try to get up there around 1.

Sunday bring another great church service and after church bbq to raise money for the children's ministries.

Spring Break starts on Tuesday and boy am I looking forward to going away!

Time for a slow down

So, despite outward appearances, I've been a basket case recently, resulting in a lack of posts (is that too many commas?). Here's the story:

To start off, I had a GREAT weekend. All of my family was in town and we had such a good time together! We had our eggs checked out early Saturday morning and an IUI was scheduled for Monday morning. My family got to enjoy me squirm while Jay administered the shot Saturday night. Amidst the pouring rain we ventured out Saturday night and enjoyed dinner at Taco Mac. Taco Mac isn't my favorite for food but the masters was on and we wanted to go out to eat so we settled. I spent most of the day Saturday preparing for my parent's going away party (please come! You are all invited!) I met with the rental company and picked out linens and designed a "lighting concept" that involves stringing lots of clear bulbs & lanterns over the driveway to create our dance floor. The DJ is booked and people are starting to RSVP. Cannot wait!

Sunday was our normal church day. We enjoyed a great service and breakfast at IHop with our sweet friends John, Ruthie, and their adorable 2 year old Avery. After lunch we hung out for a bit and then prepared for my mom's preschool going away party. Close to 200 kids and parents came to say their goodbyes! Several students that I teach or have taught had my mom as their preschool teacher and it was fun to see them there! Each family made a scrapbook page and they are adorable! She is sooo loved by her preschool families. They are really going to miss her. Sunday night was made even better by a family dinner at Thai Taste. Chicken pad thai = YUM!

Monday. Jay and I went in to for the IUI. We had two million sperm post-wash this time. Jay was super excited about his 400% increase. Me, not so much. Is two million better than 500,00? Yes. Is two million close to being normal. No. Low count is considered below 20 million. The average is 60 million. IUI chance of success with 2 million... 2% yup, 2% folks. The doctor thought a second IUI on Tuesday would be our best bet.

Tuesday. IUI post-wash count was 700,000. Yikes. The doctor told Jay that the meds he was on won't being to work for about 2.5 months. In 2.5 months we'll do another semen analysis and see if the numbers went any higher. If they did, we would proceed with additional IUIs if not, we'd move on to IVF. I was ok with this when we left the office. After reading into it more, studies show that chances of pregnancy after a male cycle of clomid do not increase very much. Not great news to hear. It's very very unlikely that we will get pregnant from this series of IUIs.

Tuesday afternoon. Met with the financial counselor about IVF. It's really really expensive. I'm trying to figure out how we are going to pay for it and then pay for the child that we will hopefully be blessed with after it is over. I think I'm going to start babysitting or working over the summer to help pay for these costs. Any suggestions with well paying summer jobs?

How am I feeling?
Completely deflated. Last night and today have been extremely hard. Hard like I cried all the way to school and couldn't stop once I got here. Thankfully my wonderful friend Kathryn covered my classes this morning while I took some time to compose myself. This is really really hard. I'm questioning everything! Did God not want us to have children? Was this not part of His plan? This is devastating to me as all I've every REALLY wanted to be was a mom. Why is it sooo hard? It's been really tough on our relationship. I want to look up everything the doctor says to make sure I know what is going on and that I agree with it. We are allowed to make a lot of decisions on our own and I want to be educated. Jay trusts me and goes with whatever I say. I love that he trusts me but I want him to learn as much about this as possible so we can both make educated and informed decisions.

I also contacted a psychologist that specializes in treating patients with infertility. Hopefully we can get in to talk with her and figure out how to manage this part of our lives a little better as we navigate through some really tough decisions. Speaking of tough decisions, at my meeting with the financial counselor, she explained there are three "programs" to choose from. The first program is that you pay for each procedure separately. The second program gives you a package of 4 (two fresh, two frozen) cycles for $7,000 additional dollars than one individual treatment, and the third program give you a package of 6 (3 fresh, 3 frozen) cycles for $11,000 additional dollars than one individual treatment. Problem is, lets say you get pregnant on your first cycle but you purchased the package of 6, you just lost $11,000. I mean as if an infertile person doesn't have enough decisions to make!

I know, you may be thinking, "why are you being so pessimistic?". I just don't want to get hurt anymore. I want to plan for the worst and hope for the best but not hope too much because when it doesn't happen, it just really sucks. It's hard to talk about it out loud without crying. It's hard because, to my knowledge, none of my close friends have ever experienced this. It's hard not to bore/annoy people with constant infertility talk (I'm sorry it is just sooo consuming right now!) My current therapist (who I see for help dealing with ADHD since I've had to be off my meds) tells me to refocus my thoughts on positive things going on right now and I promise I'm trying but that too is really hard. We are going to take a break from all fertility related things until Jay's next semen analysis in June. Here is my list of pros about waiting until June.

1. I can get back on my adderall- hopefully get focused and be better at organization and doing things around the house and not have to see my therapist anymore!
2. I can lose the weight that I've put on since we started trying to get pregnant (30 pounds...)
3. I can enjoy alcohol over the summer (although we'll be too broke to buy any!) :)
4. If Jay's count goes up and we are able to get pregnant on our own, I'll have lots of money saved to go on vacay or put away in my child's college fund!

I'm sorry this post is so negative but I'm trying to be honest and real when I'm discussing what we are going through. Maybe I'm sharing too much. Its tough to navigate through this whole process. Prayers and kind words are definitely welcomed and greatly appreciated.

Thanks!
Anni

O Boy O Boy!

Do I ever LOVE planning a party! I hate to see my parents leave but I am so pumped to plan their going away party. I haven't been this excited since my wedding! I'm meeting with the party rental company tomorrow afternoon and I can't wait. I wish I could quit my job and do this full time.

Speaking of party, you are ALL invited! My parents are pretty fun people and have some pretty great friends. We want this party to be sooo much fun for all. I'm hiring a DJ and renting a dance floor. I want tons of people to come and see them off. Please say you'll come! :)

We're doing the party in my backyard. I'm thinking very fun vibrant colors. Lots of string lights. Lanterns. Here are some inspirational pics