My New Normal

I've been thinking about how to write this post since I got home from the hospital. My life has definitely changed. And while it seems trivial from the outside, I've really been battling dealing with these changes. I'm sad that my pregnancy isn't "wonderful". My mom always said that she loved being pregnant. I wish I loved it. I try to love it. I am still trying to love it. But its hard. Its hard when people say, "you've had such a hard pregnancy". Has it really been that hard? Last week was hard. This week is hard. Learning my new normal has been a challenge. But I'm up for it. I'm still lucky. I still have my Faith. My babies are doing wonderfully. They are healthy and growing and have not been affected at all by these kidney stones. I'm not in the hospital with preterm labor. My cervix isn't shortening. My babies are good.

I won't lie, I have definitely been feeling depressed since coming home. I wonder why after such a battle to get pregnant does this happen! Isn't it time for easy street? At least before we welcome to screaming bundles of joy into our lives? :)  I do things and think, "This is Not normal" and I have to think again- this is my new normal. My new normal consists of sleeping in the guest room because my large, expensive, king-sized bed is too soft for my hips to continue sleeping on my side without wrecking my back. My new normal is sitting on my feet in the bathtub and washing myself carefully with a washcloth and avoiding my back so that my bandages don't get wet. Jay holds the sprayer while I lean in the tub to wash my hair. I wake up several times during the night to make sure my "leg beg" hasn't leaked on the bed. Every night Jay spends around 40 minutes removing my bandages from my back, cleaning the remaining adhesive off and putting new bandages on. He brings my cheerios in bed along with my pain medicine so that I feel "normal" as soon as possible and don't have to deal with the pain when I wake up. I cry. A lot. When my pain medicine runs out 30 minutes before I'm allowed to take the next dose I cry. I cry because I can't bend over. I have a hard time putting my feet in the leg holes of my pants. I can't lean back on the sofa because of the pressure against the tube incision. I drive sitting straight up. I am tired.

Yes, it sucks and it is hard. But as my mom tells me, I am stronger than this. I cannot let it get to me. When I start to lose it, a good cry makes me stop and appreciate all the good that I have in my life. I have an amazing supportive husband who is not at all grossed out by living with someone that wears their urine on their leg. I cannot express how thankful I am for having such supportive friends and family and for keeping my faith. Yesterday I had a huge craving for oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. I mustered up the energy to go to the store to get the supplies to make them. Once I got home, I was too exhausted to bake. Right as I was relaxing on my couch, the doorbell rang. One of my parent's old neighbors was at the door with two plates of his wife's amazing oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. It was such a treat and an amazing way for me to see that God truly provides for us exactly what we need. Each day is getting better. I'm working to push out the negative thoughts and focus on the good. To focus on my babies and my family. So when people ask my how I'm doing I honestly reply that I'm okay. I'm getting better everyday. I can't wait until this actually becomes normal and routine. Until then I'm trying to stay positive and remembering that this is God's plan. If he didn't think I could handle it, he wouldn't put me through it!