I've been feeling really crazy over the past few days. I'm pretty emotional and actually cried typing an email this afternoon. I'm losing my patience with my students and giving out tons of demerits. Normally I'm laid back and joke around with them but recently they just annoy me. Everything annoys me! The only thing I really want to do is lay in bed and play solitaire on my phone! We're going out bowling this evening with friends and I really hate to say it but I'm not looking forward to it.
March 29th. I should find out whether I'm pregnant or not by that date. I've been searching all over the internet for signs and symptoms. During this two week wait time, I'm usually pretty good, patient, and optimistic for the first week. The second week is HARD. I think everything is a sign of pregnancy and life is good; Then, I start reading too much internet mess and start thinking negatively. I haven't found a single success story of an IUI working with on 500,000 sperm and that really depresses me. On top of that, Jay hasn't picked up the medicine that was prescribed 10 days ago to help increase his sperm count. Instead he has worked on his Jeep non-stop.
I stopped for a good five minutes during my planning period to pray and couldn't even clear my head enough to really figure out what I should or want to be praying for. I want this pregnancy to work, I want to accept that I'm following God's plan and not my own, I want Jay to be as committed as I am, I want to stop feeling like a crazy person, I want patience to wait, I want to accept that I am not in control. Maybe sometimes its better for me to write it out rather than keep all of these things stored in my head. I do feel guilty though. I feel guilty that I'm not praying for the people in Japan, for those that are hurting or hungry, or homeless, or even for my friends that I've promised to pray for in their time of need. I do want all of those things but I REALLY want a baby.
Sorry this post is a bit sad and whiney but I do feel better when I get it on paper. And again, this blog is really for me, my space.
On a good note, there are highlights to during my day. These highlights always remind me of all the things I have to be thankful for. My favorite carpool mom complimented my shoes again today. My kids loved my outfit and told me how pretty I looked. That always helps! Jen, my favorite substitute and fellow soccer coach was subbing for another encore teacher today and we got to eat lunch together. Yay for adult time!
I enjoyed a TON of yummy sushi last night with my besties Mary Clare and Kathryn at Rusan's. Yay that my OB told me I could still eat sushi until I saw a plus sign.
Speaking of, on Wednesday I went in my my annual ob-gyn appointment (I mean really, I pretty much get a pap smear five times a month, do I really need an annual exam?) I decided to see a new doctor, Dr. James. Jay and I met him the day after we got our first positive pregnancy test. He was so kind dealing with me in my fragile state and was all set to put me on fertility drugs (we opted to go to a RE instead). I knew that day I wanted him to deliver my baby. At my latest appointment, he actually knocked on wood that I was pregnant and proceeded to tell me all about the new maternity center at CMC where I would deliver my baby. He was so hopeful and optimistic it made me feel good! Going to the obgyn was HARD but I made it through seeing all of those pregnant bellies and precious newborns without shedding a tear. Thank you Lord!
After my appointment and soccer game on Wednesday, I met my favorite bible study gals at Rock Bottom for dinner and drinks before our new service rehearsal. Getting out with the girls ALWAYS lifts my spirits. Especially these girls. I'm blessed to be part of such a fun, supportive group.
I feel better just writing that and getting it all out! Thanks for listening. Have a great weekend!
<3
a
No comments:
Post a Comment